Monday, February 22, 2010


Well, it finally went out on me today. My body that is. There has been so much stress in my life lately, and I think I've done a pretty good job of keeping it all together, but this morning I woke up and could tell that something was not right. A strange pain had developed in my knee, so that I couldn't stand up straight. I thought a shower might help, but no. Still no straight leg. But I told myself the same thing I always tell myself "walk it off". Most people, I know, would just listen to the message that their body was screaming at them. Those people might take a day to rest, but me, I have "responsibilities" and "standards" (which I would never hold anyone else to), so I "bucked up" and "bit the bullet" and dragged my ass to work. And I was not there but 30 seconds, literally, when my body totally gave out on me. While changing into my clown pants I was giving myself a pep talk of "this is not cool. You have shit to do. You will not break down", not unlike the pep talk I gave myself the day before that went something like "there will be no crying at work. Get it together." One thing I have found out about my body however, is that there is a point at which it has just had enough. And today was that day. And I am forced to take a mini vacation.
You know, they say that you should be careful what you wish for, and it's true. Just yesterday, as I was having this month's existential crisis, I wished I could get sick. Just for the break. And guess what? My wish was granted. You know, not too long ago, I would have gone in to work tomorrow. But when A told me to take a day off to rest I didn't fight her. I guess I AM learning, I'm just slower than most when it comes to some things. Like my health.
So tomorrow, instead of hobbling around like an eighty year old lady I'll be lying in bed, watching t.v. on my computer, eating Girl Scout cookies. And no one can tell me that's wrong.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Well....maybe not.

Okay, so now I might be rethinking this.....adventure. I've got two options before me.
1. Trust what I do not know, that which makes me want to crawl out of my skin.
2. Trust what I do know, that which gives me butterflies.
What would YOU do? I think I know what advice I'd give to myself if I were not me. Either way, new dimly lit paths open up before me, and it's nice to have options. Now I just need batteries for my flashlight.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Last day off for awhile. Like, years. Here's how it went down: wild goose chase trying to find what I was looking for; fika with H; walk with M; relax. I'm trying to enjoy this calm before the storm. The photo above is from the day that we laid our dearest friend to rest, in the break between showers. He said: 'I knew it wouldn't rain while we said goodbye, I just knew it..'

Friday, February 12, 2010

Step 1

I've taken the plunge. Just like diving headfirst into freezing water it takes my breath away and part of me wonders if this was such a great idea. But I know it is, and things couldn't be any other way. If you had told me one year ago that this would be my life, I would have told you that it's not the right time, that I'm not ready. I still have so much to learn, but lucky for me I learn quick. I just hope I can keep my head above water.
I want to cry, get drunk, celebrate! One thing I've learned though, is that there is no choice but to move forward. I remember Los Angeles, when things were especially hard, and I would think: "this moment can only last until NOW, and then it's over". On this road I anticipate many moments like that, and I think (hope) I'm ready.